Some of my friends say that I am living the dream life. I am 19, work in corporate law, and earn a paycheck.
However, people often don’t realize that I sometimes feel incredibly lonely.
Why?
Because, in my pursuit of financial freedom and job security, I feel alone in the experiences I encounter.
This isn’t a random experience, though.
Often, when we begin pursuing our goals and our journeys towards progress, we feel lonely.
We sometimes feel that we are the only ones on this journey.
But this doesn’t have to be the feeling.
There are ways we can shift this feeling of loneliness into positive solitude.
“In solitude, the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself.” — Laurence Sterne
So, this week, I aim to show all of you how to decrease the chance of loneliness appearing when pursuing your goals.
I want to do this through the lens of my Degree Apprenticeship experience.
First, let’s look at ‘The Myth of the Hustle’ – why loneliness creeps in?
When hustling or pursuing a goal, we are often striving towards a position that only fits one. For example, there is only one position available.
This often means that in the pursuit, some people may distance themselves, protect themselves, or strive to compete against you.
This leads to the feeling that it is a ‘Dog Eats Dog’ world, and so, you can only trust yourself.
I certainly felt this in the application stage of the Degree Apprenticeship.
Some of the connections I made at networking events felt cold because we were all running for the same job.
Or, when I was in school, I often found that I was alone in the library at lunch. I had to complete these applications, whereas my friends would be socialising.
Don’t get me wrong, there was an element of choice. At the same time, the consistent choice I made was due to the loneliness I felt within those environments.
Additionally, I have often been told that at the age of 16-21, you find out who the ‘fake friends’ are. It is clear to see that they are the ones who don’t want to see you succeed.
They want you to keep being who you are and nothing more.
So, throughout the pursuit of our goals, there are parts of the pathway that often mean we feel lonely.
This is one aspect of loneliness.
It goes deeper, though. It starts much earlier. Even the formation of a goal you want to pursue can be divisive.
Speaking from experience, I felt that in my household and culture, until recently, the norm was to go to uni, get a degree, and find a stable job.
Apprenticeships were looked down upon. So when I told my grandparents that I wanted to study and work, there was a bit of judgment.
I understood it, but that didn’t mean that I felt less lonely or alone.
It’s fair to say that if we want to complete something, many people want to stick their opinion in.
They want their 2p heard.
But if we decide to go the non-conventional route, we stick out. Not always in a positive light.
I was guilty of this. I would often ridicule my friend for not drinking when he came on a night out with us. I learnt that his pathway is different and not to judge him on that.
For me, the fact that I am working every day and can’t always stay up late / go out all the time means that my social situation is going to be different.
When I announced my proposed route to my friends, some of them did say – “Rah, he’s going to become a boring work SOB already.”
Even though it was a joke, I did feel some truth to it. Those social divides were becoming more prevalent.
We can see that setting and working towards our goals can sometimes lead to a space for loneliness to creep in.
Surely, when we achieve our goals, that feeling decreases?
Maybe. Maybe not.
There is a widely accepted theory that when we achieve our goals, there is often a sense of emptiness that comes. Here’s why:
- We might feel lonely or scared when we start on our goals and journeys towards them.
- We get lost in the doing and in the process of completing work towards the goal.
- We then associate feelings of hard work and determination with the work towards the goal.
- We accomplish our goal. All of that fades. We no longer have the actions to connect to those feelings.
- We see that the loneliness creeps in again.
All of this shows that while we may cover up the feeling of loneliness, it might not always go away. This is because once the goal is accomplished, we immediately want to find the next one.
So, how do we combat this?
How do we overcome loneliness?
First, we need to understand that loneliness is natural and it is bound to happen. When we experience these thoughts, it’s often because we have ascribed our happiness to those we care about the most.
We need to shift that. We need to shift our mindset.
We can be happy and fulfilled by experiencing, understanding, and embracing moments on our own.
When we work towards our goals, sometimes having time to ourselves is really powerful.
This brings in the next point. We need to shift our mindset from loneliness to solitude.
Solitude is slightly different. It is where you are only with yourself, but you are intentionally using that time. This could be to complete activities like pursuing a hobby, e.g., practicing a musical instrument.
It is for yourself and for your enjoyment. So when we feel that little bit of loneliness come in, we can shift it to, “I now have some time for solitude.”
It’s often good to have some time for ourselves. It’s good for our social battery and our mental health.
The third point is that when we’re in that moment of solitude, we should prioritise ourselves.
What do you enjoy?
For me, when I come home from my nine-to-five job, I often sit down, cook a meal, and then play some video games.
After that, I might chat with some people and then go to bed.
But it’s about prioritizing yourself. What do you enjoy?
Lastly, find the people who understand or at least attempt to understand what you’re going through.
Share the joy with those people because they are the ones who care about you.
Overall:
- I understand that loneliness is natural and that it is bound to come in.
- I shift my mindset to being grateful for the opportunity to embrace solitude. In that moment, I prioritize myself and what I enjoy.
- When I am ready to speak to people and want to connect, I share the joy with those who care the most about me. Naturally, I will care the most about them as well. It is those relationships and friendships that are worth sharing the joy with.
So, here is my weekly challenge for you. When you next feel slightly lonely:
- Recognise and accept that feeling. It’s there. Let it sit and slowly fade away like all other thoughts.
- Ask yourself – ‘Why am I feeling this way?’
- Remind yourself that you have your path.
- Find the one hobby or activity that truly brings you joy. Begin doing it.
From this, you should be able to accept and embrace your solitude much more easily. You will then overcome loneliness in your goals much better.
Have a great week 🙂
Dylan