Most people think that they are self-aware: they know how they feel, how they act, and the impact of it. But this is far from the truth.
In reality, 5-10% of us are self-aware.
Tasha Eurich said this statement in a Ted Talk, which got me thinking.
Am I self-aware? It took me back to a time in Year 12 where I was a cocky young man who was full of himself.
Was I? Probably, yeah. Was everything people said true? Probs not.
Why didn’t I realise this at the time? Why didn’t I realise the impact I had on others – positive and negative?
It’s because I wasn’t actually self-aware. I didn’t have the right tools around me to introspect and look at what I see versus what others see.
Fast forward to now, and while I am by no stretch perfect, I like to think I have improved.
So, this week’s blog post is about discussing what true self-awareness is.
Self-awareness is not about introspecting and bashing ourselves for what we aren’t. It’s about accepting who we are and constantly working to better our impact on the world.
I want to look at the comparison between year 12 and current me and explore what true self-awareness is.
Firstly, what is self-awareness? I like to think of it in two dimensions:
- Internal self-awareness: knowing your values, passions, reactions, and impact on others.
- External self-awareness: understanding how other people view you.
These dimensions can be independent but often intertwine. They form the base and bulk of being self-aware.
Now, how do we even get into a state to become self-aware?
Eckhart Tolle suggests that to access our thoughts, we need to be comfortable in our bodies.
We need to be calm and collected. What does this mean?
- Try to sit upright on a chair and just feel every part of your body. Can you feel your fingers at the edge of your arms? Do you feel every toe on your foot?
- And most importantly, can you feel every breath?
Being still and in tune with every aspect of your body is the anchor for self-awareness.
It removes all focus on other thoughts and focuses on ourselves.
This is hard though. In year 12, I constantly found this difficult and it took me a while to master this.
How do I do it?
- Firstly, I pick a consistent time for this: 7 am. This is after I wake up but before my working day begins.
- Then I have the same environment. I sit at my desk, keep the light dim, and close my eyes in an upright position.
- Lastly, and most importantly, my phone is in a different room. Usually in the kitchen as that is furthest away.
Try and experiment with your environment to be able to just sit without fidgeting. Sit with your thoughts.
So, we have found the way to set ourselves up for self-awareness.
Now, I want to take you through the actions that self-aware people regularly do. I don’t want to focus on practices like journaling or meditation. Let’s keep it simple.
What do self-aware people do, and why is it important?
- They choose their words wisely. The phrase ‘Think before you speak’ is so important yet rarely do we ever do it. When having conversations, just take a moment to understand what you are going to say. More importantly, the impact it’ll have. This has more power than you know.
- They are open to new ideas. Self-aware people accept that they do not know everything. They seek to engage in new ideas to open their minds. They might not agree all the time, but they will always listen.
- They practice patience. Self-aware people understand that waiting and being patient can suck. They practice it anyway. Instead of swearing at the road for traffic, they understand this is a part of life and it happens. They accept and are patient at dealing with it.
- They accept their failures. Self-aware people know they aren’t good at everything. They accept that they will fail, and they are okay with it.
- They are genuinely open to feedback. Self-aware people don’t go into a conversation thinking that the other person is wrong. They openly listen and try to understand where the feedback is coming from.
In year 12, I don’t think any of these fit me. I would say, ‘That’s who I am, and if you don’t like it, tough.’ I usually thought my way was the best. I got so pissed when I would fail at something. I always seemed to have an ‘answer’ to feedback. Ultimately, I was a dick.
Now, I like to think they do. I try to choose better words when in important conversations. I practice this mantra – ‘I like to learn. ‘ While I am working on the patience point, there has been an improvement. So trust me, these values and practices will help you become self-aware.
This is all well and good, but let’s not pretend that self-awareness is easy and that everyone will just master it. Funnily enough, there is a huge paradox around this very concept.
What is the paradox of self-awareness?
- Fernando Pessoa wrote a book called ‘The Book of Disquiet’, and this contains many of these themes.
- The attempt to become self-aware is a futile task. It’s a free-fall that disorientates us. It is a disillusion. Why?
- In trying to become self-aware, we often stop accepting ourselves. We bash our failures.
- Becoming self-aware leads to disconnecting from people. But, self-awareness is actually about improving our impact on other people.
- Self-awareness is futile. Every change we try to put in place is always going to piss some people off.
- So, why do it?
In Year 12, I think I fell into this trap. I would rarely finish the process of introspection. I would always tell myself that this is useless because people just need to accept me. There is no point in changing.
But, while this paradox is valid, I think there is an easy fix. I found Tasha Eurich’s Ted Talk useful to understand this.
For me, I shifted my perspective to this:
- While I don’t want to change my core values, sometimes I can change the way I act to better the impact I have on others.
Often, when we introspect in the journey of becoming self-aware, we always ask why. When something happens or we receive feedback, we always ask, ” Why me? Why did I have to be bad?”
We need to shift the conversation to ‘What’.
What can I do to [x]? What can I do to improve? What can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?
This shift places an importance on us to actively try and improve. As such, there is a sense of positivity and opportunity around this. We are more likely to engage in this exercise as a form of self-improvement rather than self-deprecation.
This is the key: self-awareness is about accepting who we are and constantly working to better our impact on the world.
- For example, now when I make a mistake, I have a process to deal with it from my end. First, I ask myself, what did I do?
- No Bullshit – what exactly did I do which was wrong. Then I simply ask – what can I do next time to rectify?
- Sometimes a ‘Why’ is needed, for example, why did I have this reaction? But it always ends with the ‘What’. Thus, I have a plan going forward.
Hence, I now have a process to become aware of how my actions impact others.
This can be translated to our relationships. We sometimes say things that piss others off. It may have been a joke to us but hurt someone else. It doesn’t mean that either is right or wrong. But there is a difference. So how do we rectify it?
Ask yourself:
- What did I say?
- Why did it hurt them?
- What can I do to ensure I don’t cross this boundary?
For some friends, the banter line is where yours is, but with others, it isn’t. That’s fine. This process makes it easier to have strong and healthy relationships with people.
So here is my weekly challenge:
- Look at one mistake you made in the past week, either with yourself or with others.
- Find one place that allows you to be calm.
- Ask yourself, What did I do, why did it go this way, and what can I do next time?
- Note it down and see if it makes a difference.
I guarantee you that this new approach to self-awareness will allow you to get into the 5%.
Have a great week 🙂
Dylan